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CAESAR - MORE THAN JUST A SALAD BY DENISE McNEE Professionals and amateurs are informed that "Caesar - more than just a salad" is protected by copyright. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion pictures, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. In its present form "Caesar - more than just a salad" is dedicated to the reading public only. Copying from "Caesar - more than just a salad" on whole or in part is strictly forbidden without permission from the Miracle Players. SOURCES Suetonius – The Twelve Caesars NARRATOR: On the thirteenth of July 100 BC, a man was born who would bestride the...world like a Colossus. He would become the most famous Roman, not only of his day but of all times. That man was Gaius Julius Caesar and this is his story. Columns up. SECTION ONE: YOUTH ENTER SPURINNA - takes centre stage with a rubber chicken in his hand and is trying to drum up business. CAESAR AND AURELIA ENTER. SPURINNA: Half a denari for your life story. CAESAR: Okay. My name is Gaius Julius Caesar. I lost my father at the age of fifteen. I have a sister called Julia, this is my mother, Aurelia (indicates Aurelia) ... SPURINNA: (interrupting him) No! I’ll tell you your life story for half a denari. CAESAR: Okay. SPURINNA: (holding the chicken on his head) You will be afflicted with a bald spot...you will be called imperator and you will be famous...people will speak about you in future generations in tongues yet unknown...and they will name a salad after you. CAESAR: (impressed) Me! Really! Wow! (confused) What’s a salad? SPURINNA: I have no idea, but it has got anchovies in it. AURELIA: (interrupting them) Oh look, he doesn’t need his future reading. He needs a job! ENTER the FLAMENS DIALIS doing something wacky, like whacking himself with olive branches or something. FLAMEN: Did I hear you say that you want a job?! Today is your lucky day. We have a vacancy for a Flamen Dialis! AURELIA: A flaming what! FLAMEN: No, no! Flamen. A priest. SPURINNA interrupts them. SPURINNA: Half a denari, I’ll tell you if it is a good career move! CAESAR: I don’t want to enter religion. I want to be a politician. Everyone except Caesar takes a sharp intake of breath. CAESAR: What! What’s wrong with that? FLAMEN: Well it’s the situation isn’t it! Ever since the Gracchi brothers died one hundred years ago, it’s has been nothing but civil wars. SPURINNA: You don’t need a fortune teller to tell you that Roman politicians don’t usually die peacefully in their beds. AURELIA: Yes, they openly take sides against each other, and often carried daggers. CAESAR: (staunchly) Death, doesn’t frighten me. It is a necessary end, and will come when it will come. Just let it come swiftly and unexpectedly. Everyone looks a little bemused at Caesar. SPURINNA: Half a denari and I’ll tell you how you are going to die. AURELIA: This Flaming job then... FLAMEN: (Correcting her) Flamen. AURELIA: Whatever. Is it suitable for the ancestors of kings and gods? (Proud) After all, the Julians, of which we are a branch, reckon decent from the goddess Venus... CAESAR: (sulky) I don’t want to be a Flaming. FLAMEN: Flamen! SPURINNA: Ere, did you say Julians?! You’re on Dictator Sulla’s most wanted list. CAESAR: (shocked) You mean I am the ace of spades? SPURINNA: More like the king of diamonds! AURELIA: Sulla thinks that we’re members of the opposition party. SPURINNA: And you know what that means if he catches you. ALL EXCEPT SPURINNA: No! SPURINNA: You’ll be as dead as this chicken. The chicken croaks. ALL EXCEPT SPURINNA: That chicken’s not dead. SPURINNA kills the chicken while the THE OTHERS look on horrified. SPURINNA: Come to think of it, there’s a reward for information leading to your capture. (SPURINNA exits, calling out) Ere, there’s a Julian over here. AURELIA: (Grabs the Flamen in panic and implores him) Oh no! Do something - quick! The FLAMENS does something quickly, ie. A very fast tap dance, and exits quickly. AURELIA: (fearful) What are we going to do? CAESAR: Don’t worry mother, until things calm down I will sail unto Rhodes and study there with Apollonius, the rhetoric master! (CAESAR claps his hands and ENTER SERVANT with a boat.) He shall teach me to be a master of...speaking good in public. AURELIA: (corrects him) Well CAESAR: Well what? AURELIA: You speak well in public. CAESAR: Thank you, but I could speak more better. (As he is getting into the boat) Goodbye mother. I shall be back when I return. AURELIA: (waving her handkerchief) Goodbye dear. Be careful! CAESAR and the SERVANT sail away in the boat. CAESAR: Don’t worry, what could possibly happen to me? AURELIA exits. Enter two PIRATES in a boat each. SERVANT: Pirates, dead ahead! PIRATE ONE: Ahar shipmate! I see some likely landlubbers ripe for the taking. CAESAR: Quick, sail away! PIRATE TWO: After them! The PIRATES chase CAESAR and the SERVANT around the stage until they eventually catch them. CAESAR joins the pirates on their boats. PIRATE ONE: Ah - har! PIRATE TWO: O - ho! PIRATE ONE: Ah- har! CAESAR: That’s all very interesting, but I am trying to get to Rhodes. PIRATE TWO: You aren’t going anywhere until we get twenty talents for your ransom. CAESAR: Twenty talents! (laughs) I laugh you to scorn. (continues laughing) SERVANT: (afraid) We have been captured by the thieves of the Cilicians – the cruelest butchers in the world. PIRATE ONE: So, we are not going to haggle, it’s twenty talents or.... CAESAR: You know not what man you have taken...I am worth at least fifty talents if I am worth a quadrans. PIRATE TWO: Fifty talents it is then! You! (indicates servant) Go and get our ransom and don’t come back until you do! SERVANT makes scared noise and sails away leaving Caesar on the boat with the pirates, who continue to make pirate noises. CAESAR: Now, I am going below deck because I am rather desirous of sleep, so if you don’t mind make no noise. PIRATE ONE: Me thinks you’ve forgotten who is the prisoner here, mate? CAESAR: Not at all, I am! But only until I am released and then I shall hang you up openly on a cross, you brutes and blockheads (CAESAR laughs) The PIRATES begin laughing too! CAESAR goes below deck. The PIRATES continue laughing. PIRATE ONE: (laughing) Crucify us! That’s a good one! PIRATE TWO: (laughing) His bold speech must come through the simplicity of his youth! PIRATE ONE: (laughing) Ah – har! PIRATE TWO: (laughing) O - ho! The PIRATES with growing realization stop laughing. PIRATE ONE: I hope so anyway. ENTER SERVANT with bag of ransom money. SERVANT: Here is your money! The SERVANT hands over the bag of money to the PIRATES. CAESAR comes up from below. CAESAR: Well done, my good man! (Slaps servant heartily on the back) (to pirates) I take it that I am free to go? PIRATE ONE: Yes. It has been a pleasure doing business with you. CAESAR by now is in the boat with the SERVANT. THE PIRATES start to sail away. CAESAR: (to servant) Right, after them. PIRATES ONE AND TWO: What! CAESAR: Did you forget? I am to crucify you. PIRATE ONE: It’s all right you don’t have to. CAESAR: But I have sworn in your presence to do so. And I am a man of my word. PIRATE TWO: The thirty-eight days that you were amongst us we kept you not as a prisoner but rather waited upon you as a prince. Be merciful! CAESAR AND the SERVANT stop rowing. CAESAR thinks for a moment. CAESAR: You’re right. THE PIRATES stop rowing and show their relief. CAESAR: I will mercifully cut your throats before crucifying you. PIRATES ONE AND TWO: Yikes! EXIT PIRATES rowing very quickly followed by CAESAR and SERVANT. ENTER NARRATOR, who puts a small tin for collecting money in front of himself. He stands as the statue of ALEXANDER THE GREAT. NARRATOR AS STATUE OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT: Afterwards when Sulla’s dictatorship began to decay, Caesar’s friends wrote unto him, to pray him to come home. Caesar realizing that life was passing him by... CAESAR ENTERS and walks in front of THE NARRATOR. As he does so the Narrator becomes very still and statuesque. CAESAR: (sighs and indicates the statue) Alexander the Great! No older than I am now, had in old times won so many nations and countries...whilst I have performed no great deed as yet. CAESAR drops a coin in a small tin in front of the statue. The statue bows, like they do in Piazza Navona and CAESAR exits. NARRATOR: ...So, Caesar makes his way back to Rome where he can achieve his political ambitions. NARRATOR picks up his tin, checks the money and is pleasantly surprised and EXITS. SECTION TWO: FROM YOUTH TO CONSULSHIP EVERYONE except CAESAR walks on stage, carrying mobile phones, campaign slogans (such as “No new taxes”, “Cash for Votes”) or other such voting paraphernalia. Maybe to cover time from the narrator going off to being one of the everyone, we cover with morning, morning, morning. Etc. EVERYONE:
(to the tune of ten green
bottles hanging on the wall) ONE OF THE GROUP: I’ve got the money. (shows wad of money) EVERYONE: So he will get the most. EVERYONE: We’re on our way to the forum to try and get some votes. ENTER CAESAR wearing a laurel crown on his head. CAESAR: Morning. EVERYONE: Gasp! POLITICIAN ONE: A new boy! POLITICIAN TWO: A threat? POLITICIAN FOUR: Why is he wearing a laurel crown? CAESAR: (embarrassed) It’s the fashion! POLITICIAN TWO: To hide the fact that he’s losing his hair! POLITICIAN THREE: (to Caesar) And you are? CAESAR: (proudly) Gaius Julius Caesar - newly elected aedile. EVERYONE laughs at Caesar because of the lowness of the position. POLITICIAN FOUR: Aedile, he’s a nobody. POLITICIAN THREE: He’s a bald aedile. CAESAR: (offended) It’s a very important job! And I intend to use my position to please the people and win their love. POLITICIAN FOUR: More like bribe them with bread and circuses. POLITICIAN TWO: Buying the favour of the people is but a vain and fleeting glory. CAESAR: How short sighted you all are! I need the good will of the people to become consul! POLITICIANS ONE TO THREE SING in reverence to the consul. POLITICIAN THREE: Quaestor POLITICIAN FOUR: Curile aedile. POLITICIAN ONE: Praetor. POLITICIANS ONE, THREE AND FOUR: Consul! CAESAR counts the political positions in such a way as to make us understand that he only has two positions to achieve before he can be consul. CAESAR: Hold on. Quaestor...curile aedile...praetor... POLITICIANS ONE, THREE AND FOUR: (finish the refrain musically) Consul!. POLITICIAN THREE: (to politicians one and four) The words are right, but musically...he sucks. CAESAR: (Ignores him because he is excited) That means that I only have two more to go! POLITICIAN FOUR: But those two are the toughest! POLITICIAN THREE: Can you meet the pace? POLITICIAN ONE: Stand up to the scrutiny? POLITICIAN FOUR: Afford the campaign. POLITICIAN TWO: And don’t forget... ALL THE POLITICIANS: THE SLANDER! CAESAR: What slander? POLITICIAN ONE: You are every woman’s man and every man’s woman! POLITICIAN FOUR: You are not particularly honest in money matters! POLITICIAN THREE: You’re wife is accused of committing adultery! ALL THE POLITICIANS take a sharp intake of breath. CAESAR: Then I’ll divorce her. The wife of Caesar must be above suspicion. POLITICIAN FOUR: It doesn’t matter; you’ll never win! POLITICIAN THREE: You haven’t got enough money! POLITICIAN ONE: You’re not married to anyone’s daughter. POLITICIAN THREE: Your dad was never president! POLITICIAN FOUR: Your brother doesn’t count the votes. POLITICIAN TWO: And you are too tall! POLITICIAN FOUR: Short POLITICIAN ONE: Hairy. POLITICIAN THREE: Smelly! POLITICIAN TWO: Fat. POLITICIAN ONE: Thin CAESAR: Stop! The POLITICIANS stop. They pause and they start again. POLITICIAN ONE: You’re teeth are too white. POLITICIAN THREE: And so is your hair! POLITICIAN TWO: Your toga’s too loose. POLITICIAN FOUR: Too tight. CAESAR, invents an excuse to get rid of them. CAESAR: Oh look! THE POLITICIANS stop bickering... THE POLITICIANS: What! CAESAR: A floating voter! POLITICIAN THREE: Where? CAESAR points to the imaginary voter and the politicians race towards the place being indicated by CAESAR. THE POLITICIANS: (as they are leaving) Mine! Mine! Mine! Etc. THE POLITICIANS exit leaving CAESAR on his own. CAESAR: There must be an easier way than this... ENTER NARRATOR with microphone. NARRATOR AS WRESTLING REFEREE: Introducing the two political heavyweights of the day. An alliance with either of these two men will provide Caesar with a shortcut to the top. In the red corner Crassus, the moneyman and behind-the-scenes intriguer. (Enter CRASSUS wearing a red sash) And in the blue corner, the popular Roman general , Pompey the Great. (Enter POMPEY wearing a blue sash) CRASSUS: (laughs) As great as what? POMPEY: I am a great general! My reputation is more brilliant than that of any other man. REFEREE: Now gentlemen, I want a good clean fight and none of that jealous rivalry for distinction. POMPEY: Jealous! Why would I be jealous of him? I am more talked about and more powerful in Rome... CRASSUS: (interrupting him) ...When you are away! When you are present, you are often less important than I am! POMPEY: Why how dare you! REFEREE: Ding, ding. Round one. POMPEY: I triumphed over Pontus, Armenia, Cappadocia, Paphlagonia and even more place that I can’t pronounce; I quashed the uprising of the slave Sparticus. CRASSUS: I fought Sparticus. POMPEY: (ignoring him) I destroyed 1,000 pirate strongholds. CRASSUS: I fought Sparticus. POMPEY: I founded 39 cities; and placed 20,000 talents in the treasury. CRASSUS: (offended) I fought Sparticus. POMPEY: But I won! All this I did for Rome (begins to get upset) CRASSUS: Yet when you wished to have some land given to your soldiers the Senate opposed you...and set out to humiliate you...and haggled over your reforms... Crassus has beaten Pompey. POMPEY: ...one by one... REFEREE: (starts countdown) One...two....three... CRASSUS: Thus did you learn that you did not possess any real power... POMPEY: OUCH! REFEREE: Nine...ten...It’s a knockout. POMPEY: (Still crying) Why did I let go of my army so soon! I put myself into the hands of the enemy. REFEREE: Well ladies and gentlemen; there you have it. Pompey defeated by his own lack of political acumen! THE REFEREE starts to pack up his things to go. CRASSUS: (to the referee) Aren’t you going to announce me as the winner? REFEREE: Oh no! No one cares about you! The luster of your achievements is tarnished by your two innate vices - avarice and meanness. THE REFEREE EXITS. CRASSUS begins to sob... CRASSUS: It’s true! No one cares about me, they only want my money! POMPEY AND CRASSUS are now both in a heap on the floor. CAESAR approaches Pompey and Crassus. CAESAR: Gentlemen. Why can’t we just all get along? CRASSUS and POMPEY stop crying and stand up. CRASSUS: Why are you so desirous that we should agree? POMPEY: (to Crassus) Because he can see that we are the most powerful! CRASSUS: Who asked you? Quiff boy! POMPEY: Shut up! Big nose! CRASSUS: Who are you calling big nose, conk face?! CAESAR: Gentlemen please. I understand that without the aid of both of you, or at least of one, I can never come to any great power, and if I make friends with either one of you alone, I would have the other as my opponent. Clear! CRASSUS: Not really! CAESAR: With your money (points to Crassus) and your popularity (points to Pompey) and my ability of speaking good in public. CRASSUS AND POMPEY: (correct him) Well. CRASSUS: You speak well in public. CAESAR: Thank you very much, but the point is that between the three of us, we could form a powerful coalition and rule Rome. POMPEY AND CRASSUS: You mean a triumvirate! CAESAR: Yes, the first one in all of history! POMPEY: (comes to the front as an aside) I am not so strong as I had hoped to be, and Caesar's influence is growing, maybe I can win back my old authority through them. CRASSUS: (comes to the front as an aside) I am far inferior to Pompey, and that Caesar is going to rise to great heights, maybe I would do well to align myself with them! CAESAR: I can hear both of you, you know! POMPEY: Drat! CRASSUS: Double drat! POMPEY: It was supposed to be an aside. CAESAR: But you are right! Make me consul and I will pass laws to ratify your acta! POMPEY: (offended) I beg your pardon. CAESAR: I will make sure your soldiers get the land you promised them. POMPEY: (realizing what Caesar meant) Oh, right! CRASSUS: What about me? CAESAR: Why, it is always good for a businessman to have a friend in government. POMPEY: Let us form our friendship and ratify it with oaths CAESAR, POMPEY AND CRASSUS: We swear to jointly oppose any legislation that anyone of us might disapprove. They shake hands in a humorous way. CAESAR: I always like to seal things with a kiss! POMPEY: It’s true what they say about you then? CAESAR: Not me! To be more assured of your (means Pompey) power and friendship, I will give you my daughter Julia in marriage. POMPEY: (dreaming of Julia) Julia, Julia...alright. It’s a deal. ENTER JULIA looking ghastly. POMPEY: (Shocked) Arggh...On second thoughts, I couldn’t! CAESAR: Please, I insist. POMPEY: Er...okay then. CRASSUS: You haven’t got any more daughters have you? CAESAR: Julia is my only legitimate child. CRASSUS: Thank goodness for that. CAESAR, CRASSUS, POMPEY AND JULIA EXIT. ENTER CATO AS NARRATOR CATO AS NARRATOR: Infamy, infamy! They have all got it infamy...(begins pointing to the audience) and you...and you...and you... The creation of the triumvirate, is a shameful matter which makes havoc of the Republic of Rome. Caesar only created the alliance , so that he could elected consul and now he distributes the governments of the provinces and great armies amongst his friends in the triumvirate. That Caesar will stop at nothing to achieve his own ends... ENTER CAESAR who approaches Cato threateningly. CAESAR: Senator Marcus Portius Cato, you were saying? CATO: (exits very quickly and scared) I’m going to demand an inquiry into your official conduct as consul! SECTION THREE: WARS CAESAR: What! I’d better get out of here quick before I get impeached. But where to...(Caesar thinks) Ha, ha! Gaul! It is the likeliest province to provide me with my own wealth and triumphs! ANTONY! MARK ANTONY! Bring the horses. ENTER ANTONY CAESAR: I need you to help me raise an army! We’re going to Gaul! ANTONY: (terrified) Gaul! But it is full Celts! They are extremely superstitious and offer human sacrifices! Why on earth would you want to go there? CAESAR: So that we can get rich and famous. ANTONY: Okay! I’m in! CAESAR and ANTONY get horses! CAESAR: Come on keep up! I can travel long distances at incredible speed! CAESAR, ANTONY march, trot away from the centre stage but don’t actually exit. ENTER SCOTTISH MAN AS NARRATOR SCOTTISH MAN: Caesar waged war in Gaul and took by storm more than eight hundred cities, subdued three hundred nations including the whole of modern France... ENTER TWO GAULS IN berets. FRENCH GAULS: (Sing the French national anthem) CAESAR: Charge CAESAR and his ARMY charge the Gauls, who FRENCH GAULS: Run away! SCOTTISH MAN: All of Germany, West of the Rhine. The French Gauls have changed their berets. Gaul Number one gets a helmet out for Gaul number two. GERMAN GAUL 1: (passing Gaul 2 a helmet) Helmet. GERMAN GAUL 2: Yes Hans. GERMAN GAUL 1: (insisting) No, helmet. GERMAN GAUL 2: Oh! Dankaschon. CAESAR: Charge CAESAR and his ARMY charge the Gauls, who GERMAN GAULS: Run away! SCOTTISH MAN: Switzerland. SWISS GAULS: (singing) High on a hill, on a lonely hilltop. Yo-do-lady, yo- do – lady, yo – do – lay – hey – ho. CAESAR: Charge CAESAR and his ARMY charge the Gauls, who SWISS GAULS: Run away! SCOTTISH MAN: Belgium. BELGIAN GAULS look at the Scottish narrator and shrug their shoulders. They have no idea what the Belgians are famous for...they pause and then... BEGLIAN GAULS: Run away! SCOTTISH MAN: Caesar even made it as far as England! ENGLISH GAULS, with bowler hats on. ENGLISH GAUL 2: I say Caesar; we’re never going to give into Roman rule! ENGLISH GAUL 1: Well said Maggie. CAESAR: Charge CAESAR and his ARMY charge the Gauls, who ENGLISH GAULS: Run away! Sharpish! THE ENGLISH GAULS EXIT ANTONY: We have fought pitched battles at different times with three million men. We slew one million in hand to hand fighting and took as many more prisoners. CAESAR: In spite of the difficulties, I had several strong reasons for undertaking this campaign... ANTONY: You wanted to be the first man to create a unified European union. CAESAR: NO! Now I will be as rich as Crassus and as famous as Pompey. SCOTTISH MAN: Caesar reduced to the form of a province the whole of Gaul, about 640,000 square miles but he never conquered Scotland!!! SCOTTISH MAN cheers and does a highland fling. Antony and Caesar look on bemused. CAESAR: Not yet! ANTONY AND CAESAR trot away and EXIT. SCOTTISH NARRATOR: It was now time for Caesar to leave Gaul and return to Rome. He had been fighting these wars for ten years and there had been many changes in Rome. The triumvirate no longer existed as Crassus had died. Pompey and Caesar became suspicious of each other. Moreover Caesar’s daughter Julia, who alone had kept them on friendly terms, had also died. In Caesar’s absence, Pompey was voted Consul for the third time and Caesar was therefore afraid that if he dismissed his soldiers he might fall into the power of Pompey and his other enemies in the senate, and so did not dismiss them but kept them encamped at the side of the Rubicon River. EXIT SCOTTISH NARRATOR leaving a strip of blue cloth behind, which will represent the Rubicon River. SECTION FOUR – CIVIL WARS. CAESAR AND ANTONY ENTER on one side of the river and POMPEY and CICERO on the other. The Scottish narrator joins Pompey and Cicero. POMPEY: Caesar CAESAR: Pompey. CICERO: Antony. ANTONY: Cicero. POMPEY: Antony ANTONY: Pompey. CAESAR: Cicero. CICERO: Caesar. CAESAR: Who’s the Scottish guy? Everyone looks around including the Scottish narrator, who realizes that he is still wearing his beard and whips it off. CAESAR: Ah Cato! My old friend. Still want to prosecute me for illegal acts committed in my first consulship? CATO: I have sworn to impeach you once your army is disbanded. CAESAR: Then I shall become consul before I disband my army! ANTONY: And you can’t prosecute a consul! CICERO: (to Caesar) Pompey is determined not to allow you to be elected consul unless you hand over your army and your provinces. (to Pompey) Are you? POMPEY: Caesar should be permitted to be a candidate for the office CICERO AND CATO: (shocked) What!!! CICERO: No he shouldn’t! You want that he should lay down his arms and return home to private life. POMPEY: Oh right! CAESAR: I will lay down my command at the same time as Pompey, but if Pompey should retain his army, I will come quickly and avenge my country’s wrongs and my own. POMPEY: Seems fair! CICERO AND CATO: What! CICERO: (to Pompey) Caesar should disband his army and if he fails to do so, he should be considered to be meditating treason against the republic. POMPEY: Oh right! CAESAR: I see how it is! CAESAR gets out a rather large pair of fluffy dice and throws towards the audience members. CAESAR: What number is it? AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT NUMBER i.e. Six! CAESAR: Let us take this SIX as a sign from the gods (to Antony) The die is cast! CICERO: What’s he doing? POMPEY: I think he’s planning to cross the Rubicon River. CICERO AND CATO enter into a panic. CICERO: Oh no! If Caesar should march against the city, what forces are there to resist him? POMPEY: Be of no concern, with one stamp of my foot on the ground, I will fill all Italy with soldiers. CAESAR AND ANTONY move toward the River. CEASAR: Well men...(looks around and sees only Antony) Man, even now we might turn back, but once across that little river we have to fight it out with swords. CICERO: He’s coming. CATO: Start stamping Pompey! POMPEY, CICERO AND CATO all start stamping their feet and then tap dancing. Meanwhile Caesar has made it across the river. POMPEY, CICERO AND CATO: (seeing that Caesar and Antony have made it across the river) Run Away! POMPEY AND CICERO EXIT pursued by CAESAR AND ANTONY. CATO AS NARRATOR: Caesar crosses the Rubicon River and marches on Rome and so Pompey left Italy, taking many of the senators with him, although some remained behind, either being attached to Caesar's cause or maintaining a neutral attitude toward the two. Rome was therefore plunged once again into Civil war, and some like me realized that, regardless of the outcome the Republic was doomed. But I, Cato, grew up in freedom, with the right of free speech and who cannot change my ways in my latter years and accustom myself to servitude...so there is only one course of action left! CATO STABS HIMSELF. CATO AS NARRATOR: (As he is dying) Caesar and Pompey have their decisive battle at Pharsalia. CATO DIES. ENTER CAESAR AND ANTONY on horses. ANTONY: Oh Caesar, we have won the battle against Pompey’s forces! Victory is thine! CAESAR: Victory? Caesar hates war as only a soldier who has lived it can, but it was their own doing and against my will. Pompey could not see that Rome had passed beyond the rule of little old Romans; and so rose against Caesar. Pompey was a fool... ANTONY: Is a fool Caesar. CAESAR: He was a fool that… ANTONY: Is CAESAR: Was a… ANTONY: Is, is, is. CAESAR: What do you keep saying is? ANTONY: When he realised the battle was lost he fled to Alexandria. CAESAR: Damn, will Caesar never get to be dictator of Rome? ANTONY: Not while Pompey lives. CAESAR: Yes, alright. ANTONY: Especially now he has fled to Egypt. You know, with all the corn and wealth of the Egyptians he could raise a new army and be back fighting you within a week. CAESAR: Yes, yes, thank you. ANTONY: To Egypt then. (EXITS) CAESAR: To Egypt. CAESAR exits. ENTER CLEOPATRA as NARRATOR wearing a wig and carrying a snake. As CLEOPATRA narrates, the action is acted out, a bit like a dumb show. CLEOPATRA AS NARRATOR: And Caesar pursued Pompey to Egypt... ANTONY: (sees Pompey) There he is! CLEOPATRA: ...A Roman fleeing, and a Roman pursuing: dog eating dog. But it was plain to the people of Egypt that Pompey was now but a very small dog. So they chopped his head off and gave it to Caesar. CAESAR: Such was the end of Pompey the great. Nothing is going to stop me now! CLEOPATRA: Caesar, seeking Pompey in Egypt, found ME Cleopatra; things happened between the old Caesar and me. CAESAR: Vedi, Vede, Vici. CLEOPATRA: He came, he saw and he conquered and made me queen, (to snake) didn’t you sweety. Caesar returned to Rome, victorious, as the first man of his day. He was a legend within his own lifetime. But he still had some enemies within who thought that Caesar’s ambitions would destroy their beloved Republic of Rome and so plotted against him. SECTION FIVE: CONSPIRACY EXIT CLEOPATRA AS QUEEN. ENTER CAESAR, ANTONY, CASSIUS AND BRUTUS. Cassius and Brutus adopt subservient positions in front of Caesar. CAESAR: In general you all zealously joined against me but why should I put any one of you to death? Therefore be not afraid Brutus. (Brutus stands up), And Cassius, (Cassius Stands up) Cassius you shall be made my legate; CASSIUS: Thank you very much. CAESAR: Brutus governor of Gaul. BRUTUS: Oh, thank you very much! ANTONY takes Caesar aside. ANTONY: Cassius has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous. CAESAR: I like keep my friends close Antony, but my enemies closer! BRUTUS AND CASSIUS huddle together. CASSIUS: I was born as free as Caesar and so were you. And this man is now become a god; and Cassius is a wretched creature, and must bend his body if Caesar carelessly but nod at him. CAESAR nods over to where the others are standing and they all bow. BRUTUS: The senate, (reflects and adds as an afterthought) we, wish to honour you with... BRUTUS gets out a list of honours to be given to Caesar. After every new honour that Caesar accepts Brutus, Cassius grow more displeased. BRUTUS: Life consulship... CAESAR: I accept. BRUTUS: Life dictatorship... CAESAR: I accept. BRUTUS: Perpetual Censor... CAESAR: I accept. BRUTUS: The title Imperator to be put before your name... ANTONY: I accept...oops BRUTUS: The title father of your country appended to your name... CAESAR: I accept. ANTONY: Anymore? BRUTUS: (amazed at the question) No! CAESAR: Thank you very much. CAESAR AND ANTONY EXIT. BRUTUS: When we honoured him, it was with the idea, of course, that he would be reasonable and say no; but he accepted all of our decrees. CASSIUS: What should be in that 'Caesar'? Why should that name be sounded more than mine (as afterthought) or yours? Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed that he is grown so great. Let’s cut him down to size. Are you with us or against us? BRUTUS: (to Cassius) What you have said I will consider; what you have to say I will with patience hear; and find a time both meet to hear and answer such high things. BRUTUS AND CASSIUS EXIT. ANTONY AND CAESAR ENTER. CAESAR: So, have you got it now? ANTONY: I am going to be running naked through the streets, striking in sport those I meet in my way with leather thongs – Strange thing Roman religion, isn’t it? And then...and then... CAESAR: When you run to the tribune, where I will be sitting, you will present me with a crown. I will refuse it – that way everyone will know that I don’t want to be Berlusconi, I mean King, no I do mean Berlusconi. – and they will cheer. ANTONY: Right, so I offer you the crown (offers Caesar the crown) CAESAR: I refuse and say “No – I am Caesar, not King”. ANTONY: And the audience cheer. If the audience cheer Antony and Caesar repeat the action. If they don’t cheer they repeat the action and the dialogue until they do cheer. ANTONY: Got it! CAESAR AND ANTONY EXIT, still presenting the crown and hoping to catch the audience out. ENTER BRUTUS AND CASSIUS and AND SPURINNA hiding badly behind a bush! BRUTUS: Another general shout! I do believe that these applauses are for some new honours that are heaped on Caesar. They say the senators tomorrow mean to establish Caesar as a King; And he shall wear his crown by sea and land in every place save here in Italy. CASSIUS: I know where I will wear this dagger then; Cassius from bondage will deliver Cassius. What trash is Rome, what rubbish, and what offal, when it serves for base matter to illuminate so vile a thing as Caesar. BRUTUS: But when and where? CASSIUS: Caesar has called a meeting of the senate in the Pompeian assembly rooms for Ides of March. BRUTUS: Are you sure the meeting isn’t in the senate house? CASSIUS: No. It is in the Pompeian assembly rooms. BRUTUS: Not the senate house. CASSIUS: No, the Pompeian assembly rooms on the Ides of March. BRUTUS: That will be a convenient time and place. Give me your hand. CASSIUS: And let us swear our resolution. BRUTUS AND CASSIUS EXIT. SPURINNA: If that piece of information isn’t worth half a denari, I don’t know what is. SPURINNA EXITS in the direction of Caesar, shouting as he goes. SPURINNA: ‘Ere Caesar, beware the ides of March! Half a denari, I’ll tell you why. ENTER CAESAR AND CALPURNIA CAESAR: Now, where’s my wife? Calpurnia… CALPURNIA: Caesar, I never stood on ceremonies, yet now they fright me. There is one within besides the things that we have heard and seen, recounts most horrid sights seen by the watch. O' Caesar, these things are beyond all use and I do fear then! Do not go to the meeting at the Pompeian assembly rooms today! CAESAR: Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions are to the world in general as to Caesar. Cowards die many times before their deaths: the valiant never taste of death but once. And Caesar shall go to the senate meeting. CAESAR walks away from Calpurnia. CALPURNIA: But Caesar there are unmistakable signs of your assassination. CAESAR: Pswah! EXIT CALPURNIA AND ENTER SPURINNA – BRUTUS, CASSIUS and CASCA also enter but further back from the action. CAESAR: Ah Spurinna, the ides of March are come. SPURINNA: Aye, Caesar but not gone yet! Read this schedule. SPURINNA gives Caesar a sign saying, “They will kill you”. Caesar holds it backwards and tries to read it. CAESAR: What’s this Greek or something? Brutus takes the sign off him. BRUTUS: Oh, it’s nothing. CASSIUS: Casca, you are the first that rears your hand. CAESAR: Are we all ready? BRUTUS: I kiss thy hand, but not in flattery Caesar. CASCA: Speak hands, for me! Casca strikes Caesar CAESAR: This is violence. The Conspirators pause for a moment, think and then respond. CONSPIRATORS: Erm...yeah, sure! THE CONSPIRATORS CONTINUE TO STAB CAESAR. CAESAR: Kai tu teknon! CASSIUS: What? Is that Greek? CAESAR: Et tu, Brute? BRUTUS: English, do you speak English? CAESAR: You too, my son? BRUTUS: Oh yeah! CAESAR- Then fall, Caesar! Caesar Dies CONSPIRATORS: Liberty, victory, tyranny is dead. CEASAR: (with his dying breath) It is more important for Rome than for myself that I should survive. I have long been sated with power and glory; but, should anything happen to me, Rome will enjoy no peace. A new civil war will break out under far worse conditions than the last. CASSIUS: Caesar was fifty-five years old when he died, and his immediate deification was formally decreed since it reflected public conviction. BRUTUS: Very few of the conspirators outlived Caesar for more than three years. All were condemned, and all perished in different ways, some using the very daggers with which they had murdered Caesar to take their own lives. SPURINNA: On the first day of the games given in Caesar’s honour, a comet appeared and shone for seven days running. This was held to be Caesar’s soul elevated to heaven.
NARRATOR: Friends,
Romans, countrymen, lend us your ears; © 2004 Miracle Players |
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