The History of Rome

by
the Miracle Players
www.miracleplayers.org

© 2001 Miracle Players

TO BEGIN:

NARRATOR: "Rome, a name so great in glory, and famous in the mouths of all men. Rome once capital of "the mightiest empire under heaven" (Livy) And "The subject..." of tonight's play. Ladies and gentlemen, THE HISTORY OF ROME


SECTION ONE: THE FOUNDING OF ROME
SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: "The traditions of what happened prior to the foundation of the City or whilst it was being built, are the creations of the poet, and we have no intention of establishing either their truth or their falsehood. But, if any nation ought to be allowed to claim a God as its father then that nation is Rome." (Livy) or perhaps it was just that King Amulius of Alba Long and his high priest, the pontefix maximus left Rhea Silvia, the vestal virgin, no choice. To begin at the beginning.... ALBA LONGA A PLACE NEAR ROME

AMULIUS: Twins!

PRIEST: Yes, your royal highness, King Amulius. She called them Romulus and Remus

RHEA: I thought they were kinda cute names.

AMULIUS: But she's a vestal virgin, she wasn't supposed to get pregnant!!!

PRIEST: She must be punished. "The Virgins' minor offences are punished by beating, which is administered by the Pontifex, me, with the offender naked, and in a dark place with a curtain set up between them." (Plutarch)

AMULIUS: Twins hardly count as a minor offence! 

PRIEST: "A vestal Virgin who is seduced is buried alive near what is known as the Colline gate" (Plutarch)

RHEA SILVIA: Buried alive!!! … It was hardly my fault. It was.. (indicates Amulius but is silenced by a bribe, throughout her explanation Amulius give mimed suggestions to the likely alternative)…well you see it was like this…think Rhea…oh yes. I was down by the river, minding my own business, then the god...(show a Mars Bar) Mars appeared and got me pregnant…and then the God Mars...

AMULIUS: (To priest) Seems likely to me. Doesn't that seem likely to you?

PRIEST: Well, "either she really believes it, or she's saying it because the fault might appear less heinous if a deity were the cause of it." (Livy) 

AMULIUS: But we might as well stick the story to prevent a scandal.

PRIEST: I'll get rid of the twins somehow, I'll put them in a basket and I'll throw them into the Tiber River,

AMULIUS: And don't let word of this get out. (Exit)


SCENE TWO

NARRATOR: "The tradition goes on to say that a she-wolf, attracted by the crying of the children, gave them her teats to suck and was so gentle towards them that the king's flock-master, Faustulus, found her licking the boys with her tongue." (Livy)When they reached manhood "Romulus and Remus 

ROMULUS AND REMUS COME FORWARD.

NARRATOR: were seized with the desire of building a city".

ROMULUS: I have a desire to build a big city here and call it Roma

REMUS: I have a desire to build a big city here and call it Remonium.

NARRATOR: "Then followed an angry altercation;"

ROMULUS: I thought of that first!

REMUS: No you didn't I did.

ROMULUS: I thought of it ten years ago

REMUS: I thought of it before you were born

ROMULUS: How could you we're twins

REMUS: My leg came out first.

NARRATOR: "heated passions led to bloodshed; (Romulus and Remus fight) in the tumult one of them was killed." (Livy) (Pause in fighting) Remus (Romulus stabs Remus and does a victory dance)"Romulus thus became sole ruler, and the city was called after him, its founder." The year 753BC (Livy) The Palatine Hill, Rome

ROMULUS: Sabina, Sabina, Sabina, you are the girl for me.

SABINA: Stop it Romulus, you know my father Titus Tatius, would never accept it.

ROMULUS: But, Sabina, you would be mistress of Rome.

SABINA: You any your city. Rome. It's just a series of mud huts with a trench around it.

ROMULUS: Where's your imagination? "Everything starts from small and humble beginnings, but it will grow in dimensions"…Oh, Sabina, (He grabs her)

ENTER SABINE WOMAN:

SABINE WOMAN: The Romans are raping the Sabines "youths dashing in all directions to carrying off maidens… indiscriminately, " (Livy) oh help. Villains! Roman pigs! They're after the virgins… "carried away by violence, not of their own will." (Plutarch) Oh, me! Help! Take me! Oy, what's the matter with me!

ENTER SABINA'S FATHER, Tatius

TATIUS: What's this? Trying to make away with my daughter!

SABINA: Oh father. This is Romulus, King of Rome. Romulus, this is my father Tatius

TATIUS: TATIUS!

SABINA: King of the Sabines

ROMULUS: Now Sir, I should tell you I have plans to "live in honourable wedlock, and share all property and civil rights" (Livy) with your er, virgin, daughter.

TATIUS: WHAT!

SABINA: Hear him out Father.

TATIUS: Very well then.

ROMULUS: I have an invention that shall shape our world and make us rich. It's called an arch.

TATIUS: A what?

ROMULUS: An arch. It is the strongest construction known to mankind and with this I shall build my city, Rome. Allow me to introduce to you the designer, a man who designed the Clocoa Maxima , the drain in the forum, a man who invented cement, a man whom I'm honoured to call my friend...DAVE! (Everyone look stage left, Dave enters stage right)

ENTER DAVE WITH ARCH

DAVE: You see, Sir, it works like this, solid caps of cast concrete in a variety of arched shapes, squared blocks of stone kept in place by its own weight,

TATIUS: What?

DAVE: Well Sir, if you just look over there, you'll see three I made early (indicates tabularium. Everyone looks, look back at Dave disbelievingly. He continues) Well, a little rough, but Rome won't be built in a day you know.

TATIUS: Concrete, arches, are you two mad?

DAVE: And aqueducts

ROMULUS: And drains too.

TATIUS: But you will build a city for no inhabitants, why there are just thirty of you on the hill

SABINE WOMAN: (being chased) Not for much longer!

ROMULUS: That is true, but once our buildings are erected, we will be the envy of all and people will flock to join our society.

DAVE: In their hundreds,

ROMULUS: Thousands

SABINA: Hundreds of thousands.

DAVE: In fact, I estimate, 1.5 million people.

ROMULUS: Not counting women and slaves. And I shall organise the society into, consuls, senators, lords, footmen and legions and them, the plebs, the rabble, the great unwashed (Dave Coughs and indicates the audience)...sorry I mean the people! (Everyone waves)

DAVE: Who will of course, vote for their leaders.

TATIUS: Really. 1.5 million voters!!! (He shakes hand with the audience)

DAVE: Say, he would make a good senator himself. (Indicates Tatius)

ROMULUS: Not noble enough!

TATIUS: What do you mean? I am King of the Sabines.

ROMULUS: Yes, but not Roman. 

DAVE: He could become Roman through marriage. 

ROMULUS: Good one, write it down and we'll put it in the twelve tables of law later on.

TATIUS: But I'm already married.

ROMULUS: Yes, but your daughter isn't.

TATIUS: Ah, ha, well Sabina, would you like to be Roman?

ROMULUS: Darling!

SABINA: Rommie

DAVE: Well, that's settled then.

TATIUS: Now, about this senator business. 

DAVE: Quite simple really, you give me $1000 campaign funds and I'll invest them into cattle, it'll turn into $100,000 overnight (exeunt)


SECTION TWO: THE ROMAN REPUBLIC
SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: Six more kings succeeded Romulus and established the foundations of the Roman City, but in 509 B.C.

BARBARIANS: It was the invasion of the Barbarians 

NARRATOR: No, not yet...In 509BC the monarchy was ousted in the name of Republic. Government was established and was symbolized by the letters SPQR (senatus populusque Romanus), meaning "the Senate and the people of Rome" Laws were written reforms were made. Roads were built and temples constructed. Some would argue, "In all these things that have now been mentioned, the people had no share" (Polybius) But the Romans always presented a united front against their enemies. Wars of conquest were fought with neighbouring countries and the Roman boundaries expanded. 309 BC, The Celtic Gauls,
(Enter Gaul and is stabbed) 261 BC The First Pubic, that is Punic War against Carthage, 218 BC The Second Punic War against Carthage and Hannibal

HANNIBAL: I enjoyed his liver with a nice glass of chianti and beans.

NARRATOR: who marched over the Alps with his elephants,

HANNIBAL: Oh, that Hannibal, sorry!

NARRATOR: 200 BC 

BARBARIAN: It was the invasion of the barbarians 

NARRATOR: The Spanish Wars, 168 BC The Macedonian War. We join the Romans now in 149BC and the Third Punic War against Carthage is raging.

RUTILUS: Hold on a minute, just what exactly are we fighting for. We "men who bear arms, and expose our lives for the safety of our country, enjoy in the meantime nothing more in it but the air and light and, having no houses or settlements of our own, are constrained to wander from place to place with our wives and children." (Plutarch)

PLEBIUS NORMALIS: (Solider) Rutilius, you're always moaning, always complaining, (Carthaginians form a line against the Romans but are killed) just because one of your ancestors was voted into the plebeian counsel.

RUTILIUS: The first! The first plebeian counsel, I'll have you know. My Grandfather wouldn't have put up with this, no, by Jove! Up onto the Aventine hill he would have led us, cessation he would have said.

NORMALIS: Not the old story about the strike against military service. (Carthaginians charge across the stage and the Romans step forward) That was 350 years ago. Things have moved on since then, times have changed.

RUTILIUS: Changed have they! (Charge back and are beheaded) "the government appears to be purely monarchical and regal, what part is left to the people in this government"? (Polybius)

NORMALIS: Well you forget who votes for the government, us isn't it! "It is the people who grant offices to the deserving" (Polybius) 

RUTILIUS: Don't make me laugh! Only a fool would trust the voting system. Who knows how they count the votes once they've been cast! I heard last time half the voters couldn't work out the butterfly ballot and so didn't know who they were voting for. And it's not even as though we've got one man one vote. We should strike 

NORMALIS: Strike!

EVERYONE: STRIKE. (Carthaginians attempt to sneak up on the Romans but are killed)

RUTILIUS: Destroy this government and push through some reforms.

NORMALIS: Reforms won't work "there are two ways by which every kind of government is destroyed; either by some accident that happens from without, or some evil that arises within itself" (Polybius)

RUTILIUS: No, we shouldn't wait that long! Strike, cessation, while that heavy thing that gets rid of the creases on your toga is hot

NORMALIS: An iron 

RUTLIUS: Yes, strike while the iron is hot and we've got something to bargain with.

NORMALIS: Bargain, us? Don't you know the penalty for desertion is death? 

RUTILIUS: Death, better one day as a lion than a hundred as sheep. I'll take my chances, I'm not afraid of consul Cato.

(As Rutilius leaves to take his chances he bumps into Cato and big time grovelling starts)

RUTLIUS: Consul Cato, sir! (They all salute)

CATO: Why don't you carry on, as though I am not here. Though I myself think Carthago delenda est

RUTILIUS: I'm Sorry?

CATO: Me thinks, Carthage should be destroyed.

NORMALIS: With all due respect Sir, " the Carthaginians, in the management and conduct of a naval war, are more skilful than the Romans." (Polybius) 
(AN AUGUR ESCAPES FROM CARTHAGE AND RUNS TOWARDS THE ROMAN CAMP.) 
NORMALIS: A challenger!
RUTILIUS: Aaarrghhhhh!
NORMALIS: (To Cato) Don't worry Sir, I'll protect you.

AUGUR: Get that plastic sword out of my face. I want to see Cato.

NORMALIS: What's this an assassination attempt? 

AUGUR: Oh No sir, I'm not a Brutus, or an Oswald either for that matter.

NORMALIS: Who! 

AUGUR: Brutus assassinates Julius Caesar, and Oswald JFK

RUTLIUS: Huh? 

AUGUR: Oh, yes, sorry I forgot a bit after your time. No Sir I'm not an assassin

NORMALIS: Well, what are you? A spy?

AUGUR: Oh, no I'm no Rosenburg.

CATO: What?

AUGUR: Oh, yes you won't hear about those for another millennium or two. No sir, I'm not a spy.

CATO: Let him pass. Well, what are you doing here?

AUGUR: Ah, the honourable Cato. Don't worry Sir Carthage will be destroyed.

CATO: You seem to be awful sure of yourself.

AUGUR: I'm an augur Sir. A soothsayer. I have the vision. I can see into the future.

ALL: ooohhhh

AUGUR: And Carthage will be destroyed. That's why I want to defect.

NORMALIS and RUTILIUS: Defect.

AUGUR: Join the Romans, before it's too late.

RUTLIUS: Are you mad? You'll be sold into slavery!

AUGUR: That may be, but I'm not staying in Carthage after what I've just seen.

CATO: And what is it that you've just seen.

AUGUR: The Carthaginians will "surrender themselves to the Roman authority, surrender all territory and the cities in it, together with all men and women, so that the Romans should become actual lords of all these, and those who surrender should remain lords of nothing whatever." (Polybius) Carthage will be levelled with the ground by the Roman army, cursed and ploughed over. They'll even scorch the earth like Saddam Hussein.

NORMALIS: Who?

RUTILIUS: Huh?

CATO: What?

AUGUR: Oh yes, I forgot he's not until the twentieth century. The Romans will put salt on the land so crops can't grow.

CATO: That's quite a good idea. I wish I'd of thought of that.

AUGUR: You will Sir.

CATO: That's all very well but it makes you a bit of a coward. Running away from your countrymen when they need you the most.

AUGUR: Well that's true Sir, but I've always admired the Romans.

RUTILIUS: Admired the Romans. What have they ever done for the people?

NORMALIS: The aqueducts

AUGUR: The roads

CATO: Made the streets safe to walk at night

NORMALIS: And don't forget the wine

NARRATOR: That's plagiarism. 

AUGUR: I could be extremely useful to you with my predictions…

CATO: Tell me then, will I become consul again.

AUGUR: Unfortunately not Sir. You are going to die very shortly.

CATO: Nonsense. I'm in the best of health. (He starts to die) Oh dear I think I'm having a funny turn! My legs have gone weak. I can barely stand. (He is supported by Rutilius and Normalis) Take me to my tent. (They exit)

AUGUR: (Following them) I'm very good at horoscopes too!


SECTION THREE: TRANSITION FROM REPUBLIC TO EMPIRE
SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: The conquering of one nation followed another and a host of economic and social changes ensued. One was due to the huge increase in slaves 50,000 from Carthage and 150,000 from Greece and so 1 million slaves toiled in Italy, making it the most slave based economy known to history.

ENTER SPARTICUS: 
NARRATOR: Get off, it's not time for the Barbarians yet.

SPARTICUS: But I'm Sparticus the slave, I'm going to lead a band of 10,000 men against the Romans. (Incomprehensible)

FOLLOWERS: I'm sorry

SPARTICUS: I'm Sparticus, the slave, I'm going to lead a band of 10,000 men against the Romans

FOLLOWERS: Jolly good!

NARRATOR: Luckily, the Dictator Crassius came to crush the rebellion.

CRASSIUS: Which one of you is Sparticus?

(pause)

FOLLOWERS: He is!

CRASSIUS: Right you crucifixion.

(Followers drag Sparticus off like the crucifixion singing, "Always look on the bright side of life")

NARRATOR: That's plagiarism again! The conquering of new lands brought unprecedented wealth to Rome. "From the influence of riches, accordingly, luxury, avarice, pride came to prevail among the youth." (Sallust) "When wealth was counted an honor, and glory, authority, and power attended it, virtue lost her influence, poverty was thought a disgrace, and a life of innocence was regarded as a life of mere ill nature." (Sallust) But despite the increase in wealth the divide between the rich and the poor became greater. Political differences brought violence to Rome and clearly the Republic was in the first stages of her death throes. It became apparent that whoever could control the will of the people could also control the republic. Rome 44 BC, the steps of the senate house.

SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.

JULIUS CAESAR: Dreamer, let us leave him, pass.

CASSIUS: Psst. Brutus. I do fear the people choose Caesar for their King, let's kill him

BRUTUS: Okay,

SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March. Do not go forth to the senate today.

CEASAR: Cowards die many times before their deaths the valiant never taste of death but once and Caesar shall go forth.

BRUTUS: I kiss thy hand Caesar, but not in flattery.

CASSIUS: Speak hands for me!

CEASAR: Et tu Brutus? Then fall Caesar. 


SECTION FOUR: IMPERIAL ROME
SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: Veni, vidi, vici. He came, he saw, he conquered. But Julius Caesar never achieved his dream of being the first "Emperor" of Rome. Augustus became the first Roman Emperor; he ruled for forty years and "boasted, not without reason, that he found Rome a city of brick and transformed it into a city of marble" (Suetonius) and so began the age of the 

BARBARIAN: The barbarians 

NARRATOR: The age of the emperors beginning with the reign of the Julian-Claudian family. The last of that dynasty was the Emperor Nero, who at sixteen became master of the whole known world. "Though Nero degenerated from the good qualities of his ancestors, he yet reproduced the vices of each of them, as if transmitted to him by natural inheritance". (Suetonius) The Emperor Nero in his palace, the year is 64 AD,

(Nero is flouncing about in a bridal veil, singing "I'm going to the chapel")

MESSENGER: Hail Nero, Caesar, Caesar Nero, Sir. The city is on fire.

NERO: Oh, goody, lets go to the tower and watch the city burn.

MESSENGER: Sir, "furiously the destroying flames are sweeping on - Can't you hear the shrieks of panic stricken women" (Tactius)

NERO: Bring me my fiddle, this reminds me of the burning city of Troy, I shall write a poem. (Says words of well known song with fire in them.)

MESSENGER: CAESAR! NERO! CAESAR NERO!

NERO: Very well, bring me the Captain of the fire guard.

MESSENGER: Send in the fire guard! (Echo by other actors)

(ENTER THE CAPTAIN OF THE FIRE GUARD, with water pistol, they unroll a map with flames on it)

FIRE CAPTAIN: Caesar! (Nero is playing and humming) What's he doing?

MESSENGER: He's fiddling

FIRE CAPTAIN: He fiddles while Rome burns. Is he completely mad!

MESSENGER: Yes, clinically insane I would say.

FIRE CAPTAIN: Really

MESSENGER: Yes, he killed his mother, his brother, his stepsister, and his wife. He is getting married tomorrow for the fifth time. He's dressing up as a woman so he can marry a man.

(enter guard with another fire which shows the flames higher)

GUARD: Read all about it, flames spread. Biggest fire since Troy burnt.

MESSENGER AND CAPTAIN: Caesar…CAESAR! 


NERO: Oh, yes, the fire. Now of the fourteen districts in Rome, I want these four saved. The rest I will rebuild, a new city called Neronium, "At last I can begin to live like a human being" (Tactius) A palace of gold! A golden statue, the colossus of…of…me! 

FIRE CAPTAIN: But Caesar, the people, "while they look behind them, they are intercepted by flames on the sides of their face" (Tactius)

NERO: Well, can't you do something, "destroy the buildings on a vast space, so that the flames meet with open ground and sky" (Tactius)

FIRE CAPTAIN: Caesar, we've done everything we can. We've sacrificed to the Gods, dug trenches, leveled buildings; no human effort has been spared.

MESSENGER: There is a sinister "belief that this fire...is the result of an order" (Tactius)

NERO: Who would be wicked enough to order a fire? Let me think, oh yes those supporters of Chretus, the slave. 

MESSENGER: The Christians?

NERO: "fasten the guilt on them and inflicted the most exquisite tortures... Christians" (Tactius). Round them up start with their leader, Peter isn't it? Throw him into the Mamertine prison.

FIRE GUARD: Guards! (Enter guards) Find as many Christians as you can, they are responsible for this fire, apparently. Though I myself think the blame starts closer to Imperial quarters.

(Exit Guards)

MESSENGER: Caesar, you have bought yourself some time but we must flee Rome.

NERO: But why?

MESSENGER: The people desire your death; they hold you responsible for the fire! Can't you hear them shouting "Down with Nero" 

AUDIENCE: Down with Nero

MESSENGER: Can't you hear them shouting "Nero Sucks" 

AUDIENCE: Nero Sucks

MESSENGER: Can't you hear them shouting "Nero is a very naughty boy" 

AUDIENCE: Nero is a very naughty boy

NERO: Oh, thank you. But I shall never leave Rome.

MESSENGER: Then you must do the honorable Roman thing.

NERO: What, eat until I'm sick?

MESSENGER: No, fall on your own sword! "To live is a scandal and shame--this does not become Nero, does not become him--one should be resolute at such times--come, rouse thyself!" (Suetonius)

(Messenger presents Nero with the sword, which he studies)

NERO: I cannot do it!

(Nero gives the sword back to the Messenger)

MESSENGER: Then let me help you guide it in!

(Messenger stabs Nero)

NERO: Ah, "Qualis artifex pereo. What an artist the world is losing!" (Suetonius)
(Nero Dies)


SCENE TWO

NARRATOR: And so Nero died (Get off), But despite his unpopularity, the role of Emperor was firmly established. With the conquering of Romania in 107AD the Roman boundary reached its maximum extent and perhaps for the first time since its founding Rome was at peace. But with peace came luxury "more deadly than any foe." (Juvenal). ROME THE COLOSEUM 

OVID: Hi Martial,

MARTIAL: Hi Ovid.

OVID: There's a lot of people at the games today.

MARTIAL: Great. 

OVID: Tell you one thing I'm not going up stairs again, last week it was full of slaves.

MARTIAL: And prostitutes.

OVID: Prostitutes, maybe I will pop in later on....Anyway I'm off to sell my phrases and great poems, what are you doing?

MARTIAL: I'm going to sprinkle some perfume around, some of this lot smell like they've been here for weeks. See you later.

OVID: (A quote from Ovid) "My hopes are not always realized but I always hope" (Ovid). Do you like that? I wrote it. Here, (gives a saying on pink card) Ovid, my business card.

MARTIAL: How long have you been sitting here for? You smell worse than the gladiators, here have a bit of perfume. That's better. Anyone want a bet on the gladiators later on?

OVID: Remember Martial, if you want to be loved, be lovable. I wrote that etc.

JUVENAL: (Cleaning stage) "My leg is covered in crud, from every side, I'm trampled by shoes, and some soldiers spears, My foot with his spiked shoes" (Juvenal) This is the worst job in the world Coliseum janitor.

OVID: (To a woman sitting in the audience) Would you like a cushion?

MARTIAL: Ovid, what are you doing, you're not supposed to give them cushions?

OVID: "The deft arrangement of a cushion has often helped a lover…Such are the advantages which a circus offers to a man looking for an affair" (Ovid)

JUVENAL: Why would you want an affair? Women, "Their lusts are the least of all their sins" (Juvenal)

OVID: Juvenal you delinquent "Offered a sexless heaven I'd say no thank you - women are such sweet hell" (Ovid )

MARTIAL: Oy, you down there, what's next on the program?

JUVENAL: Don't ask me Martial, I'm only doing this job to pay the rent. "It costs a lot merely to sleep in this city! The sick die here because they cannot sleep, For when does sleep come in rented rooms," (Juvenal) I'm a writer.

OVID: Aren't we all ducky.

MARTIAL: Well, you can read can't you, what's it say on the programme.

JUVENAL: The audience is reminded to switch off all personal messenger servants before the show.

OVID: Not that side, the other side.

JUVENAL: Oh, The gladiator games.

Enter Gladiators and salute "Ave Cesare Morituri te salutant"

OVID: That means, those who are about to fight salute you.

MARTIAL: We know that Ovid; they say it every week. 

(The gladiators fight. Vote from audience.)

MARTIAL: What another interval? "let's have a man killed in the meanwhile" (Seneca)

JUVENAL: It's all right for you isn't it? I'm the one who has to clean this rubbish up. I'm sick of it. Bread and circuses, that's all Rome thinks about "..."everything now curbs its ambition and coverts earnestly just two things- bread and circuses" (Juvenal) (Exits to get a Christian)

OVID: Good line, I think I'll write that down.

MARTIAL: What's next?

OVID: The Christians.

MARTIAL: I know they're being persecuted but I have "never been present at any trials concerning those who profess Christianity, I am unacquainted not only with the nature of their crimes, but also the measure of their punishment" (Pliny)

JUVENAL: Are you a Christian?

CHRISTIAN: Well I believe in Santa Claus.

JUVENAL: That's good enough.

OVID: Well, my dear Martial, "It is not possible to lay down any general rule for all such cases." (Trajan) They are subject to "Mockery of every sort. Covered with the skins of beasts, torn by dogs, or nailed to crosses, or doomed to the flames and burnt." (Tactius) They try and make them fight but they just pray, look!

(Christian sits praying while gladiator taunts him before stabbing him. In the meanwhile, the Christian says the following: "I bid all men to know that I am going to die for God of my own free will. (St Ignatious of Antioch))

MARTIAL: BORING! Bring on another man!

JUVENAL: What! Martial do you think I am one of your mistresses that you can just order around?
MARTIAL: Better one of my mistresses than you, who "tramps round pubs, to bars to squeeze. To lurk about eating pies and peas, To get myself infested with fleas." (Hadrian)
OVID: Ha, ha, very funny!
JUVENAL: Oh, you think that's funny do you. You "who earns his legacies in bed... depending On the size of -- services rendered." (Juvenal)
OVID: How dare you! "I don't chase thousands of girls, I'm no sexual circus-rider" (Ovid.)
JUVENAL: (Mocking them) Amores, amores, call yourselves writers "beyond the Emperor you have no resource", "Take your volumes and let them be food for worms" (Juvenal)
MARTIAL: "the drunkard who likes to fight". (Juvenal) Right lets get him!
Martial and Ovid descend onto the stage and Juvenal in the meanwhile has hidden in the crowd.
MARTIAL: Where is he?
JUVENAL: (From Audience) Release the lions!
Lions are released and Ovid and Martial are chased off the stage.


SECTION FIVE: RISE OF CHRISTIANITY
SCENE ONE

NARRATOR: The beginning of the forth century "Rome is 

BARBARIAN: Invaded by the barbarians. 

NARRATOR: NO! is still looked upon as the queen of the earth, and the name of the Roman people is respected and venerated" (Ammianus Marcellinus) The Christians, far from being persecuted out of existence have made inroads into all walks of society including the Imperial family. The Christian Emperor, Constantine and his saintly mother Helena, in the Imperial palace, Rome. The year 313AD.

(Enter Helen, Constantine's Mother carrying the cross)

CONSTANTINE: Mother! What have you got now?

HELENA: It's another piece of the cross I bought it in Jerusalem. 

CONSTANTINE: Another, if you put all those pieces of cross together you could build a cross that is bigger than the Coliseum!

HELENA: Now Constantine, don't be blasphemous. You know that this cross is the symbol of our salvation.

CONSTANTINE: I wish I'd never told you about the dream I had about fighting the battle of the Milvian Bridge under the sign of the cross.

HELENA: Yes, but you went on to win, didn't you. And while we're on the subject of Christianity, when are you going to get baptised? At this rate you'll be on your deathbed before you get round to it.

CONSTANTINE: I'll get baptised very soon Mother, very soon. In fact I'm expecting the Pontefix Maximus any moment.

HELENA: Well, good. I'm going to take this cross and catalogue it along with some holy steps I brought back too. (Exit)

(Enter Symmachus)

SYMMACHUS: Caesar, I'm so glad you asked for me. Sylvester is a traitor and has...(Enter Pope Sylvester) What is Sylvester doing here?

POPE SYLVESTER: Well, he called for the Pontefix Maximus.

SYMMACHUS: But I'm the Pontefix Maximus, as you well know. The title held by the pagan Religious ruler of Rome since time began. This traitor has not only stolen my title he's also stealing our Roman festivals. He's calling Saturnalia, Christmas.

SYLVESTER: Well, it's hardly my fault that Jesus' birthday coincides with your crummy little pagan festival.

SYMMACHUS: But you told me he was born in March.

SYLVESTER: Yes, but symbolically he was born in December.

SYMMACHUS: Symbolically born, what nonsense.

CONSTANTINE: Now gentlemen, this isn't getting us anywhere. The truth of the matter is my dear mother, the Lady Helena, is a Christian herself.

SYLVESTER: Ha, ha!

CONSTANTINE: …and as such has persuaded me to pass the Edict of Milan allowing freedom of worship for the Christians.

SYMMACHUS: Then I take it that you approve of the removal of the statue of our pagan goddess, winged victory, from the senate house.

SYLVESTER: "A mob of Demons" (St Augustine) And nothing but superstitious nonsense.

SYMMACHUS: This is blasphemy against the Roman Gods. Caesar you can't allow "that this great aid which has been handed down to us from our ancestors, to be banished" (Cicero)

CONSTANTINE: I'm afraid my Mother is adamant; as for me I am indifferent. Religion is all a great mystery to me.

SYMMACHUS: A great mystery I grant you but "The great mystery cannot be approached by one avenue alone…Leave us this symbol on which our oaths of allegiance have been sworn for so many generations. Leave us the system that has so long given prosperity to the state" (Symmachus)

CONSTANTINE: I am sorry Symmachus, but my mind is made up or at least Mother's is.

SYMMACHUS: So "They who were once the gods of a nation will now dwell with bats and owls under lonely roofs" (St. Jerome) Then I invoke the gods to take revenge for the sake of Rome. "A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within." (Cicero)

CONSTANTINE: Shakespeare?

SYMMACHUS: No Cicero. (exit)

CONSTANTINE: Nice guy, pity he's a pagan. Did you have to call yourself Pontefix Maximus?

SYLVESTER: It sounds much grander than Pope.

VOICE: The temple of Saturn has collapsed!!

CONSTANTINE: By the way do you think that there is any truth what Symmachus said about the gods taking revenge on us.

VOICE: The Statue of winged victory is bleeding!

SYLVESTER: Definitely not. 

VOICE: A vestal virgin has been struck by lightening!

CONSTANTINE: I think I'll move East. 

SYLVESTER: But our plans for the Church, if you move East...

CONSTANTINE: Don't worry; I'll leave you in charge. Mother!

SYLVESTER: Very well Caesar, very well. About your conversion to Christianity.

VOICE: The forum is flooding!

CONSTANTINE: Another time. Mother!

SYLVESTER: Caesar

CONSTANTINE: Mother. (enter Helena) Pack your things we're off. We're moving the capital to the East.

VOICE: Jupiter's temple is on fire! 

CONSTANTINE: Let me see Istanbul.

HELENA: Istanbul, I don't like the sound of that.

VOICE: They've just elected Berlusconi!

CONSTANTINE: Then I shall rename it, how about Constantinople after myself. 

HELENA: Istanbul is Constantinople now.

CONSTANTINE: Istanbul is Constantinople now.

VOICE: The Barbarians have crossed the Alps! 

CONSTANTINE: Okay Sylvester you're in charge. Right Mother let's go.

SYLVESTER: But I don't have that in writing! Wait... But then again who would ever know. SPQR, Solo Preti Qui Regnano, Only Priests reign here. Ha, Ha! I do have that in writing. (Exit)

NARRATOR: Once the capital of the empire moved east, Rome was no longer "Caput Mundi," mistress of the world. She lost her title, riches and grandeur. In 410 AD the Gothic tribes sack the City of Rome. IN 410AD THE GOTHIC TRIBES, SACK THE CITY OF ROME.

(Enter Barbarians who are about to start rampaging but stopped by...)

NARRATOR: Wait... You cannot destroy Rome. "Beyond all cities on earth Rome is the greatest and most wonderful. For neither has she been built by the energy of a single man, nor attained to such greatness and beauty in a short time. She remains a monument to the virtues of the world. Destroying Rome, you will lose not the city of another but your own." (Belisarus)

(Barbarians, start to applaud the Narrator and compliment the speech finishing with)

BARBARIANS: Right, let's get her.

(Narrator is carried away)

NARRATOR: "The city which took captive the whole world had itself been captured." (St Jerome) In 476AD, the last roman emperor Romulus Augustus lost his and the Roman Empire fell. But "the grandeur of her deeds surpassed even her mighty destinies" (Rutilius Numantius) She is seen today in ruins, but the legacy of her laws, language, political and social structure, still affect us today. These were the days of our forefathers; this was the history of Rome.

The End

© 2001 Miracle Players